Learning to Listen

About twelve years ago, my husband gave me a pair of Shure noise-cancelling earbuds. With his job, he is often given audio/visual equipment to test. These earbuds are on the professional level. Not only do they block out the noise, but they brought out the high, low, and mid-tones clearly (not that my novice ear could pick them out). I have used these earbuds everywhere we have travelled. They are especially wonderful on planes.

On our trip to Alaska this year, I noticed that the left earbud sound was going in and out. The base was cracked. My earbuds were dead. On our flight to Vegas last week, I took a different pair of earbuds. What a dramatic difference! I started to watch a video before we took off. I could hear the video, but I also heard all the people talking around me, and when the flight attendant made announcements, I could barely hear my video at all. I confess. I angrily hit the pause button on my video again and again each time the outside noise interrupted my listening.

The incident caused me to think about how I listen and what God says about listening. With my Shure earbuds, I could focus solely on what I wanted to listen to. I could receive every word and sound with no distortion or distraction. With my not-as-good earbuds, I partially heard what I wanted to listen to, but I also heard other voices as well as the distraction of my sinful, angry response. My full attention was not on what I wanted to listen to.

Proverbs and James speak to this. (I know there are other passages, but these are the ones that struck me.)

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 18:2

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,”

James 1:19

I have ways to justify my poor listening skills (formulating my reply, interrupting, or thinking of other things entirely). My thoughts are important. I have insight the other person doesn’t and needs. Blah. Blah. Blah. Maybe like you, I’ve heard both Biblical and other teaching on listening skills, but it is these Proverbs’ verses that gave me real pause.

In Proverbs 18:2, Solomon says that someone who doesn’t listen is a fool. First, a fool in Hebrew is one who is stupid. The way it is used here shows that it isn’t just a lack of a piece of knowledge, but it is an unwillingness to learn, to understand, to gain knowledge. Psalm 14:1 describes the fool. “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is none who does good.” (See also Psalm 53:1.) This is not how I want to be characterized.

Second, Proverbs 18:2 says that the fool only wants to express his own opinion. However valuable I think my input might be, if my focus is on my opinion at the expense of the person I should be listening to, then I am being self-centered and unloving towards the other person. In contrast, a wise person would seek to understand by being a good listener, giving full attention to what the other person is saying, and even asking questions in a loving way to make sure they understand.

Philippians 2:3-4 puts it this way, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Paul continues by sharing how Jesus demonstrated this humility and servanthood perfectly.

Proverbs 18:13 builds on Proverbs 18:2. Solomon says it is folly and shame to the one who jumps in with his response before hearing the other person. We can do this by interrupting or responding without thinking through our response. We can also respond before we have complete information because we haven’t done all we can to seek understanding (Proverbs 18:2). It is folly because we are likely to give a wrong or hurtful response. It is shameful because it isn’t loving the other person. Interrupting alone can make a person feel like their opinion or even they don’t matter. We convey that we are the only important person in the conversation.

I am not going to elaborate on all the good listening skills, but James 1:19 summarizes. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” I have not been a very good listener most of my life, but the past few years, I have been learning. I have been learning to be more like my Shure earbuds and dial in my listening to the other person’s words. I’m learning to be slower to speak. I am far from being a good listener, but it is amazing how God uses being quick to hear and slow to speak. I can give a more thoughtful and Biblical response. Often, I find my two cents isn’t even needed. I can better demonstrate that the other person is loved and valued. Quick to hear and slow to speak are other-centered. Quick to hear and slow to speak can open doors to further conversations which might not otherwise have happened. It can also allow others in the conversation to share.

I find it interesting and accurate, that James added being slow to anger. Like my angry response when my earbuds didn’t block out other noise, when I am not quick to hear and slow to speak, I usually end up frustrated and angry. I am focused on myself and being heard, self-righteousness builds, and I get angry that the other person is being so foolish in what they are saying when really, I am the fool. Quick to anger is a result of seeking our own agenda.

I am grateful for a heavenly Father who doesn’t tune me out when I talk to Him. Instead, He draws near to me, He listens, He understands, and He answers in His perfect knowledge, timing, and way. I’m thankful for Jesus who perfectly listened to His Father and to those He interacted with. Jesus is the only person who had the right response and answer every time, but He still took time to listen. Even when He was being falsely accused, He didn’t defend Himself because He was focused on glorifying His Father and loving us. His perfect record of listening well has been given to us who are in Christ and still learning to listen.

Reflection

1. How have you viewed not being a good listener? How did the verses today change your thinking about listening?

2. Think of a time you were not quick to hear and slow to speak. What was the outcome? Think of a time you werequick to hear and slow to speak. How does that outcome compare to the first one?

3. What can you do this week to grow in being quick to hear and slow to speak? Part of my learning to listen journey has been posting verses in the bathroom and praying before and even (quickly and silently) during conversations. I cannot be a good listener apart from the Holy Spirit’s work in me. Be purposeful in at least one conversation this week to get you started.